my posts are so random and in frequent, but I guess only when i really need to vent is when i will post to this private diary of mine.

I got sucker punched today. Not literally, but my dh accused me of really not wanting the same things as he does, like the house I dream of. how dare he. we fought and I am mad cause he completely wrecked the good day I was having. although i feel outta sorts from pms and our" disconnection." i was really hurt by his accusations.

it hurts to feel backed in a corner. to do something one doesnt enjoy. i paid my dues, i dont wantto have a nice littel soft wall by the window. I want a brand, a living testament to my photography, to my dreams of success and personal fulfillment. but since i discovered this way late in my life. it seems i will be forced to make some sacrifices on my way to complete independence, i have no choice i must. i was just pissed at his arrogence. his self worth. well i just need to pray on it. for prayer seems to help relieve alot for me. i enjoy itand find it to be the venting i usually can rely on.

my new challenge

as I checked this blog, I noticed I havent posted to the little journal of mine since last April when shit hit the fan.  So much has happened since then and I am and live a new life because of it.

Recently, I have been doing some "body-listening" and I have realized that I am getting bluer as I get older. Life feels good to me right now. no its not ideal, then again, will it ever be ideal, probably not. but i have noticed that the pms that i incessantly talk about has gotten worse and i think i suffer from pmdd. so of course i head to the computer to read about pmdd, and its alot to take in.  I see myself in every symptom and that in itself has made me feel even more sad. I am trying the best that I can this week to control any outbursts i feel and to try to tone down the anger that i feel brewing inside. I have given no thought as to what housework gets done and what my husband does or does not do.

i think i have been doing a good job except when hube get ready to leave for work , i feel the dread come over me. why? its not like i dont like hanging with my kids they are the best. but i so dont feel like myself, i feel diinterested in everything, and i feel distracting and teary and lazy and tired and ugly. and most of all i dont want to have my kids see me this way, remember me this way, or feel like i was a crazed mom.

the pmdd information i read states that you should exercise, sleep, take plenty of calcium, watch your diet, reduce the caffeine, and see a qualified dr who can diagnose it. i bought the calcium yesterday and today i had one cup of coffee and drank soda water instead of a cherry coke. i havent gone out to walk, because frankly the thought of going tires me. isnt that sad. and I just figure i will stay busy and unfocused on the blues. hube gets his health insurance around 07/01 so I am hoping that my gyn will take the mood charts that I am filling out seriously and help me. I am dreading going on anti depressives, even though I feel like they maybe part of what they will give me. I really want to do this the natural way. I have lots of light coming through the house, but the pressure of finding work and now my husband wanting to buy a house in a yr has me a little stressed. but i think i am more scared of what i am dealing with and how it afects my kids. right now i feel like a shitty mom who everyone thinks is great, but i know this is the blues talking. my kids are bright happy and beautiful, i must be doing something right.

im going to take some time to also pare down, concentrate on wellness, and hopefully this will filter to my business. i need to make a schedule for when i will job hunt too. maybe i will do that tonight.

ok i think the cry and writing this down has helped me work past this. let me see if i can get some dinner made, and then maybe start this clothes project and read later to unwind. tonight i think i will go to bed early. waiting up for hubert is kinda killing me.  anyway I think i may ask someone who has some experience in depression for some advice. for the first time in my life i dont want to do any more therapy. i dont feel like thats it at all. i feel like this is all chemical. maybe later i can do something physical to get the chems flowing too

i may move this journal to evernote since i would be able to access it from my phone. we'll see.

Scared and Job Hunting

Ugh so dh is scared that his productivity is going to be scrutinized for being at home. he says its because he is tired. I have no idea what to do. Let me just say. I dont want to go to work. I enjoy raising my kids. I know necessity speaks. but i feel like my husband is once again sabotaging things for himself.

I feel so stuck right now. PLEASE LORD DO NOT LET HIM LOSE THIS JOB!


if he has to go to the office...then I can understand...but we need this job...when is he going to stop paying back karma!! hasnt it been enoough!!

i cant wait until he is on meds and here at home at night so he can recouperate and wake the fuck up!

BeMe...the disgruntled

where I am now...

oh my God, my life changes quicker than I don't know what.

At first I think my husband is cheating, then I think he's a psycho and then I think he needs meds...ugh. Someone get me off this crazy ride.

He got audited my work...totally was home with the kids, the apt complex wants to bleed me broke...(assholes) yeah I cursed so friggin what!


but I mad hi ana appt with a doc, I am getting my contacts tomorrow, I am totally not ready for Easter, I'm pmsing...my apt is on the yo-yo of clean and messy.


So thats me lately ...how about you?
love. BeMe

What If This Is it.... for real.

Ugh maybe I shuld have kept my mouth shut.
I am stupid for even trying to blame this on myself. its just time...maybe.

So as usual my husband threw out the ....I work so much card, only when i didnt want to add something to our trunk. Yes I want a clean trunk. To sme it maybe highly ridiculous, as was the way my dh tried to word it, but for me it is a form of control in a life that has felt out of control for a long time.

So I told him how unfair it was tht in the car while n the way to brunch he totally rips me a new one about having to wash his uniform and not having a pair of clean jeans to wear. well i said sorry if i got a haircut yesterday (first time in like a year) and had a headache this am so it wasnt the first thing on my mind. it was f*** there's no coffee!

Well we started to argue and of course he says well then i will just leave and u wont have to worry so in anger i said start the papers and u can leave. eek. that kinda opened the door. i did the usual internal panicking of what if he leaves!! and sorta tried to talk him out of it...but then he swore on our kids that we're done and that he never thought we would last.  so maybe this is it?!  Ugh i hve so much to say and i dont know how to organize it or get it out....what if this is what should be done. my husband in our almost 9 yrs of marriage has done more to end it than save it. The way he treats my heart and my feelings is like a dog grabbing a toy and shaking it. just destroy destroy destroy.   then he says he never thought we would work out. pain...stab me in the heart a little ore why dont u.

I always said i ws going to earn my way out if we split. i heard dr. phil say that. but its hard to do that when u are the only one who wants to work at it and make it priority. he says oh when we are better off financially thats when we can work on us. wow. in the 20 yrs i have known him
. he still hasn't learned jack shit about materialism. i guess the lessons u learn as a kid are really branded on ur brain.

anyway, i finally said do what u want u always do. so in a way maybe I am admitting defeat. lowering the shield and sword and letting him just finish me off in one grand swoosh. if u want to kill it. then do it. i am so spent and tired and resentful and hurt and lonely that i even ask myself why do i want to stay in this? but fear of how this will affect my kids scares the living shit out of me. i have been willing to sacrifice my happiness and my own sense of self for them to have two parents. but i guess in the end ...how smart is that. your own feelings eventually come out, but then again my mom...ok thats another story.

So here I am no job, about to get left again. ugh my life was so not supposed to be this way. but he has been sabotaging it since the beginning nd he always said maybe i am better off alone miserable by myself.  i have always been there to try to help, to think I am helping. but i guess u cant help someone who wont help themselves. he feels trapped by ghosts and demons. but he wont purge them. instead i live a symbiotic cold hell next to him. ok Lord, i get it. i cant fix him. i love him painfully so. or maybe i just love who he used to be or who i thought he would be. not the man who lives with me now. my heart used to have some quick recovery, but now it stays small and hurt for much longer. i dont feel like i am healing, just hating for all i have put up with and for his inability to recognize our marriage is dying. so, do i just let go and stop holding on to a self destructive person who doesnt love themselves therefore cant love me? lets see...
pros-my kids have a dad they live with and love, im not a statistic, he makes more money than i do, i love him, when we are good, we are good, hope for change someday.

cons- he is miserable, he hates working all of the time but wont quit, he doesnt make love to me or show me any kind of warmth or intimacy, my kids will be a stat and live in two places, i feel resentful because he lives in his own misery nd wont share with me. i spend alot of time alone and have been for a long time.

so if he is serious...then what? find a job...life is going to be hairy. i feel cried out right now. give e till tonight ill feel shitty again. i wish god could just fix him. i have been praying for that forever, but it just doesnt happen.

sucks to BeMe right now.

my daily back and forth between heart and brain

I feel spent this week. I had to get up early to take my dh to work so it threw off my whole week.  This f-in computer is slow and I just hate it. So I do what I dread to do and clean up the crap on it and look in the history. (exhale) found more porn, and I am not even going to say anything about it. I'm just going to make the appt for him and if he goes maybe we can eventually do therapy . if he doesn't. Damn I dont know what I'll do.

Do you end a marriage over this? but if you arent happy, u dont trust him. why stay?

Yes I think I contemplate ending this painful relationship everyday. literally everyday.


he never refers to wanting to see his family, just his kids. he gives his friend his direct line. He never game me that number. I guess i am sooooo tired of feeling like a third class citizen.  Even though I though I had come to terms with staying with him and making it work. I feel so torn about how I feel in my heart and how lonely I am with what is right for my kids.

I feel like something has to change soon. at some point I need to feel loved and wanted and appreciated in this marriage. i know he is carrying some major baggage and i guess somehow its selfish for me to say go friggin deal with it so i can see if you really are a different or u are just always going to be this way and I have to decide am i in or out.

hes like what is wrong are u mad at me and i feel like dude...everyday. lol  but at the same time i dont want to open up to him. it hurts too much, doesnt get me anywhere, and i still feel insignificant and unloved to him.

I used to feel strong about leaving and now I m bk to that scared feeling. why should my kids suffer for my selfishness of wanting a mate who can love and share with me. their happiness is worth the pain...isnt it. I always thought...no way I could never do what my mom did. but now being married and seeing and feeling how it can wreck your child. I might have done the same. (ps i need to chill with my mom and lower my voice to her) anyway...

i dont know how i will open my heart to let him in a little today. i feel better keeping it closed. i did today. i guess tomorrow is a new day of indecision.

BeMe

Ash Wednesday...a crummy mass

SO....Lent is my favorite catholic holiday...observance, whatever it is. I enjoy the feeling of starting a new, forgiveness, penance and sacrifice. Its like what I live by!

I go to get ashes...take the kids and it seems like there were a million antsy kids at the mass including my own!

of course I dont feel like i did anything but go through the motions and I ended up sending these guys to bed while I was pissed off because they were awful listeners today. To top it all off I feel the cough coming bk!

I have a headache, dont want to be on the computer and I am debating whether I should workout or read...I think... read... head to sleep early and wake up and try to work out! I tired oof going to bed at two after hearing the animal upstairs have sex and then be awaken by his f-in cell phone.

SEE THIS IS NOT HOLY!! ,MY BACK HURTS AND I DONT FEEL LIKE I STARTED LENT RIGHT. oh well I can try again tomorrow right.

ooosa...ooosa...
BeMe

Valentine's Day makes you think

Eek, I love and hate v-day. I love it because I remember what they used to be like; full of passion and surprise and puppy dog love. That made me feel so safe back then.  I also hate them because I have had some empty ones where I thought, there was no need for him to buy me a card, its a lie anyway. I also love them because vday is fuller for me now, my two children are my biggest presents and they are here all year long!  But I also hate vday because u build it up in your mind and still feel a little let down because I wish he showed me more of the love he writes to me about.  He self sabotages many of our good times or holidays.

Im just reflecting, as my son's kindergarten teacher says. Hoping that someday I can get to a safe place again blogging about how he shows me that he loves me without words or cards.

Beme.

Lazy day...just leave me be.

I am getting a cold, taking care of my daughter with bronchitis, got my period, spatting with my husband, and going to eat leftovers.

I am so happy about leftovers today, as my little one asks for dinner. I plan on keeping my activity level tres low today since mommys don't really get taken care of.

actually i think I am going to bed!

New Hair Color...eek

I see this hair looking bk at me...bright like the friggin sun. i did myself some highlights. I dont love em. BUT I took a chance at being unsafe and trying something new at the risk of being rejected by those around me. Im proud of me. now I am looking to lose 30 pounds. yeah

thats right 3-0. by like 5 months from now. doable i think...but i feel dumb. i have no idea what to make asa i have never counted cals just points! now i know points is a little easier...but I am trying to move out of my comfort zone. trying something different for different results. lets see what happens. if i feel brave I will post the poundage lost by week.

good luck me~
beMe.

Am I feeling Piece of Mind?

So yesterday I noticed that my nails are growing. That may mean nada to regular folk but to me it means I am in control.

I am in control. I got some last night...and climaxed...and feel like we are going to make it, financially and emotionally.

can I exhale? yes...(thats sounds so cliche still) but that is how I am feeling. I feel like I have my house in control and I am liking me.

AND I want to be 30-40 lbs lighter this time next yr.

yeah yeah I know everyone says that.

I am also going to start project 365. for me that means I am going to take a pic everyday and see how that inspires me and keeps my finger on the shutter button.

I still am having a hard time thinking of what I should be doing when I am not cleaning. Pursuing something fun sounds odd. But I will keep trying to get there.

Hopefully with the new year I can add images of my project.

I also want to volunteer. doing what...tba.

I am excited for 2010...the me in me is appearing!

BeME

Yeah I Didn't Feel Bad After I Checked FB.

HOO-HOO. Yes as weird as it may sound whenever I checked my fb page..I felt awkward! like my life was less than others.

BUT...

Today I didnt feel that way!! I can't explain why, maybe its because I am accepting my life, and all of its good and bad.

I know I am a photographer...(k it helps that I saw aomeone else's pics who I thought was good and they're aiiiight. LOL)

I know I'm a mom and wife who is devoted to their life and happiness.

Yet another xmas gift to me....

beme

I think I Got My Xmas Gift.

I complain and think about how life might be better with my dh in it. I think someday I may have a novel about everything he has put me through.

But,

It took another man's "leading" conversation to convince me that my dh will always be my spouse.

I spoke to an old friend from my past and he started to flirt with me which was a little uncomfortable and I literally cut him off and hung up.  But this made me realize that despite EVERYTHING, my heart belongs to my dh. He might be so incredibly imperfect, but he fits me. I cant explain in any more detail except that I know I could never be with anyone else.

I have needed that kind of reassurance...for years.

I feel that now, and somehow someway I will get him to show more and be more loving, but i know I love him and I had lost that.  But I found him and whenever I feel I lost again I think I will remember that panic that came in and brought my love out.

beme.

Life Got Ahead of Me...

I feel like the worst blogger in America.  Life got all hectic and I didnt blog about it! Between dealing with and coming to terms with my father's alchi-ism, my mom's enabling, my frustrating spouse, and the season ending for work...I was busy!  My only light is also hearing how awesome my son is in school and how my daughter and him keep me going everyday!

So today is a new day...hopefully the strt of some consistancy...lets see how it goes..more later!
Beme

Frustrated

Grrrr! I can't believe I haven't been able to get on the computer and I am feeling overwhelmed by how much I need to do at home, how tired I am, and my husband's to do list.  I am trying to prioritize in my head buta t this time of night (9:20 pm) I can not focus.  This is all because I got home late tonight. So I should be able to think (this out of control feeling is because you got home late...) but I can't.  As a matter of fact I could fall asleep right now.

Do I just have a weird OCD thing about control and how the state of my home definitely affects my perception of how in control O am of everything that goes on around me? who knows.

My week of highs, with my kids and lows with my husband's mediocre performance after 6 months of reborn again celibacy, have me feeling all worn out.

ugh.

At least tomorrow is Thursday and the worst day of the week regarding carpooling, wk and soccer practice. But my weekend is already planned. I hope I am not giving anyone anxiety but reading about mine!

later...Beme

What! They Are Sleeping In Their Room!

Yeah, Yeah, I said it too all judgemental when I wsas expecting my first child..."I will never let them sleep in our bed, unless they are sick."  Little did I know how often kids got a cold or how warm, snuggly, and comfy it was to have them sleep with you.  My daughter takes your finger and rubs it until you are both asleep. mmmm,

I digress...sleeping with your children stunts your sex life, makes you dependent on them, and your fear level of them being more than one foot away from you and being taken out of your home escalates dramatically once you let them snooze with you!

Right now I am all alone in my room with this laptop hoping the hubby has some energy for fun once he gets home, BUT being the big buzzkill that he is, he called and said he was exhausted. GRRRR what does it take for a girl to have a little release around here.

Anyway, again I digress. I hope since they are in their room, that I get at least a couple more hours sleep and that I wake up in less pain than usual since they are always trying to kick us out of the bed.

Ok, so now I can play here with my laptop for a little bit until the grouch comes home.

Stay Tuned...do I get some or not?
Beme

Life Is Hectic

I have been in such a tizzy over my husband and his chilly attitude it seems like for weeks.  Then he gets into the car, calls me Bun and talks to me, not at me.  Then I get that warm feeling all over that makes me remember why I loved him to begin with, and how I luuuuvvv to be in his presence. Crazy right?

Kids, now just one child is still sick. I am so sick of this friggin flu and all of this and a couple of radio talk show hosts have convinced me that we are all going to get the swine flu vacc.  This is my reasoning: It is very hard to watch your child be sick and if I can keep them away from physical suffering I am there. Two, I want to stay home and take care of them when they are sick but I cant always because I work, my mom is hitting her sixties and she can't be keeping up with them or getting their bugs all of the time. Her health is important also! and lastly, I hate keeping him home from school and from having fun because of illness.

And finally I have another sinus headache. I am thinking there maybe a medical procedure I need to relieve this. This is f'n ridiculous. I just got off antibiotics like 2 days ago!

Just one day in my life...oh and i got at 6:30 after swooning too long over produce at Fry's. It was dark when I went outside...WHAT???!!!

I Really Had To Go...

I am not one of those people who always needs to go to the bathroom when they are in the car. So when I say I HAVE TO GO. I gotta go.

I made this disclosure to my spouse after being in the car for an hour and having one very large soda. He said I'm running late (to his night job) lets go. Ok, so my request for relief was brutally rebuffed.

Then I started to feel extreme pain and I thought I was going to ram the car into another car because my kidneys as well as my bladder felt as they had reached critical mass.  AND THEN I THOUGHT why couldnt he had just driven so I could have jumped out to a bathroom, or peed in a cup (yes I know ewww, but I was in EXTREME PAIN!)  I was pissed!

This is like a perfect example of why this marriage is a mess and why he is a mess and why I am a mess for choosing to stay in it. I could go on and on but I just dont have the energy right now, I am spent.  That kind of sums up how I feel about my marriage alot of the time...spent with nothing left to give.

more later...

A Day At Home

So somehow I was given the day off as not scheduled. Good things my kids are still sick. But i get overwhelmed with the extra time, access to the computer and no set schedule.

I have made a bizillion phone calls for appts and all of the other things I can never set up. Loaded my google calendar and now I feel lightheaded feeling like I am not giving my kids any attention. Does that feeling ever go away, I feel like I can never be there like I really should be for them. I guess that is the struggle of being a working mom vs. a stay at home.

But the goal is that one day i be working from home...so I can have better balance of these two fiercely competitive worlds!  I am a photographer, working for someone else...but one day it will be for me...one day!

So I accomplished alot, set up 3 dr. appts, carpet cleaning, cleaned up some of my inbox and ate. But I am still in PJ's. Now I am off to do more organizing...I think, if the guilt of having my kids watch another movie lets me do so!

Later!

Ominous

Does one ever stop being suspicious of their mate?

My husband is still not home from his night job. Yes they work late at restaurants...but he hs my car and that means he is mobile, with a little freedom...and he could go for a drink and then tell me afterwards. OK, so its all probably very innocent, but the sneakiness is what has always bothered me.

I take offense to the assumption that somehow you feel smarter than I AND you think I don't know you. Riiiight.

I have a very long and twisted story with this spouse of mine and his inability to be truthful over the years, so even though I feel he is relatively honest right now. I don't think I could ever be so blissfully blind again. He taught me that people are capable of anything.  Even the ones who claim to always have your best interests at heart.

Sad right? Ok that was very debbie-downer, but just a thought.
G'nite and sorry I was late tonight.
Beme