What If This Is it.... for real.

Ugh maybe I shuld have kept my mouth shut.
I am stupid for even trying to blame this on myself. its just time...maybe.

So as usual my husband threw out the ....I work so much card, only when i didnt want to add something to our trunk. Yes I want a clean trunk. To sme it maybe highly ridiculous, as was the way my dh tried to word it, but for me it is a form of control in a life that has felt out of control for a long time.

So I told him how unfair it was tht in the car while n the way to brunch he totally rips me a new one about having to wash his uniform and not having a pair of clean jeans to wear. well i said sorry if i got a haircut yesterday (first time in like a year) and had a headache this am so it wasnt the first thing on my mind. it was f*** there's no coffee!

Well we started to argue and of course he says well then i will just leave and u wont have to worry so in anger i said start the papers and u can leave. eek. that kinda opened the door. i did the usual internal panicking of what if he leaves!! and sorta tried to talk him out of it...but then he swore on our kids that we're done and that he never thought we would last.  so maybe this is it?!  Ugh i hve so much to say and i dont know how to organize it or get it out....what if this is what should be done. my husband in our almost 9 yrs of marriage has done more to end it than save it. The way he treats my heart and my feelings is like a dog grabbing a toy and shaking it. just destroy destroy destroy.   then he says he never thought we would work out. pain...stab me in the heart a little ore why dont u.

I always said i ws going to earn my way out if we split. i heard dr. phil say that. but its hard to do that when u are the only one who wants to work at it and make it priority. he says oh when we are better off financially thats when we can work on us. wow. in the 20 yrs i have known him
. he still hasn't learned jack shit about materialism. i guess the lessons u learn as a kid are really branded on ur brain.

anyway, i finally said do what u want u always do. so in a way maybe I am admitting defeat. lowering the shield and sword and letting him just finish me off in one grand swoosh. if u want to kill it. then do it. i am so spent and tired and resentful and hurt and lonely that i even ask myself why do i want to stay in this? but fear of how this will affect my kids scares the living shit out of me. i have been willing to sacrifice my happiness and my own sense of self for them to have two parents. but i guess in the end ...how smart is that. your own feelings eventually come out, but then again my mom...ok thats another story.

So here I am no job, about to get left again. ugh my life was so not supposed to be this way. but he has been sabotaging it since the beginning nd he always said maybe i am better off alone miserable by myself.  i have always been there to try to help, to think I am helping. but i guess u cant help someone who wont help themselves. he feels trapped by ghosts and demons. but he wont purge them. instead i live a symbiotic cold hell next to him. ok Lord, i get it. i cant fix him. i love him painfully so. or maybe i just love who he used to be or who i thought he would be. not the man who lives with me now. my heart used to have some quick recovery, but now it stays small and hurt for much longer. i dont feel like i am healing, just hating for all i have put up with and for his inability to recognize our marriage is dying. so, do i just let go and stop holding on to a self destructive person who doesnt love themselves therefore cant love me? lets see...
pros-my kids have a dad they live with and love, im not a statistic, he makes more money than i do, i love him, when we are good, we are good, hope for change someday.

cons- he is miserable, he hates working all of the time but wont quit, he doesnt make love to me or show me any kind of warmth or intimacy, my kids will be a stat and live in two places, i feel resentful because he lives in his own misery nd wont share with me. i spend alot of time alone and have been for a long time.

so if he is serious...then what? find a job...life is going to be hairy. i feel cried out right now. give e till tonight ill feel shitty again. i wish god could just fix him. i have been praying for that forever, but it just doesnt happen.

sucks to BeMe right now.