Ugh so dh is scared that his productivity is going to be scrutinized for being at home. he says its because he is tired. I have no idea what to do. Let me just say. I dont want to go to work. I enjoy raising my kids. I know necessity speaks. but i feel like my husband is once again sabotaging things for himself.
I feel so stuck right now. PLEASE LORD DO NOT LET HIM LOSE THIS JOB!
if he has to go to the office...then I can understand...but we need this job...when is he going to stop paying back karma!! hasnt it been enoough!!
i cant wait until he is on meds and here at home at night so he can recouperate and wake the fuck up!
BeMe...the disgruntled
Thursday, April 01, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
where I am now...
oh my God, my life changes quicker than I don't know what.
At first I think my husband is cheating, then I think he's a psycho and then I think he needs meds...ugh. Someone get me off this crazy ride.
He got audited my work...totally was home with the kids, the apt complex wants to bleed me broke...(assholes) yeah I cursed so friggin what!
but I mad hi ana appt with a doc, I am getting my contacts tomorrow, I am totally not ready for Easter, I'm pmsing...my apt is on the yo-yo of clean and messy.
So thats me lately ...how about you?
love. BeMe
At first I think my husband is cheating, then I think he's a psycho and then I think he needs meds...ugh. Someone get me off this crazy ride.
He got audited my work...totally was home with the kids, the apt complex wants to bleed me broke...(assholes) yeah I cursed so friggin what!
but I mad hi ana appt with a doc, I am getting my contacts tomorrow, I am totally not ready for Easter, I'm pmsing...my apt is on the yo-yo of clean and messy.
So thats me lately ...how about you?
love. BeMe
Saturday, February 27, 2010
What If This Is it.... for real.
Ugh maybe I shuld have kept my mouth shut.
I am stupid for even trying to blame this on myself. its just time...maybe.
So as usual my husband threw out the ....I work so much card, only when i didnt want to add something to our trunk. Yes I want a clean trunk. To sme it maybe highly ridiculous, as was the way my dh tried to word it, but for me it is a form of control in a life that has felt out of control for a long time.
So I told him how unfair it was tht in the car while n the way to brunch he totally rips me a new one about having to wash his uniform and not having a pair of clean jeans to wear. well i said sorry if i got a haircut yesterday (first time in like a year) and had a headache this am so it wasnt the first thing on my mind. it was f*** there's no coffee!
Well we started to argue and of course he says well then i will just leave and u wont have to worry so in anger i said start the papers and u can leave. eek. that kinda opened the door. i did the usual internal panicking of what if he leaves!! and sorta tried to talk him out of it...but then he swore on our kids that we're done and that he never thought we would last. so maybe this is it?! Ugh i hve so much to say and i dont know how to organize it or get it out....what if this is what should be done. my husband in our almost 9 yrs of marriage has done more to end it than save it. The way he treats my heart and my feelings is like a dog grabbing a toy and shaking it. just destroy destroy destroy. then he says he never thought we would work out. pain...stab me in the heart a little ore why dont u.
I always said i ws going to earn my way out if we split. i heard dr. phil say that. but its hard to do that when u are the only one who wants to work at it and make it priority. he says oh when we are better off financially thats when we can work on us. wow. in the 20 yrs i have known him
. he still hasn't learned jack shit about materialism. i guess the lessons u learn as a kid are really branded on ur brain.
anyway, i finally said do what u want u always do. so in a way maybe I am admitting defeat. lowering the shield and sword and letting him just finish me off in one grand swoosh. if u want to kill it. then do it. i am so spent and tired and resentful and hurt and lonely that i even ask myself why do i want to stay in this? but fear of how this will affect my kids scares the living shit out of me. i have been willing to sacrifice my happiness and my own sense of self for them to have two parents. but i guess in the end ...how smart is that. your own feelings eventually come out, but then again my mom...ok thats another story.
So here I am no job, about to get left again. ugh my life was so not supposed to be this way. but he has been sabotaging it since the beginning nd he always said maybe i am better off alone miserable by myself. i have always been there to try to help, to think I am helping. but i guess u cant help someone who wont help themselves. he feels trapped by ghosts and demons. but he wont purge them. instead i live a symbiotic cold hell next to him. ok Lord, i get it. i cant fix him. i love him painfully so. or maybe i just love who he used to be or who i thought he would be. not the man who lives with me now. my heart used to have some quick recovery, but now it stays small and hurt for much longer. i dont feel like i am healing, just hating for all i have put up with and for his inability to recognize our marriage is dying. so, do i just let go and stop holding on to a self destructive person who doesnt love themselves therefore cant love me? lets see...
pros-my kids have a dad they live with and love, im not a statistic, he makes more money than i do, i love him, when we are good, we are good, hope for change someday.
cons- he is miserable, he hates working all of the time but wont quit, he doesnt make love to me or show me any kind of warmth or intimacy, my kids will be a stat and live in two places, i feel resentful because he lives in his own misery nd wont share with me. i spend alot of time alone and have been for a long time.
so if he is serious...then what? find a job...life is going to be hairy. i feel cried out right now. give e till tonight ill feel shitty again. i wish god could just fix him. i have been praying for that forever, but it just doesnt happen.
sucks to BeMe right now.
I am stupid for even trying to blame this on myself. its just time...maybe.
So as usual my husband threw out the ....I work so much card, only when i didnt want to add something to our trunk. Yes I want a clean trunk. To sme it maybe highly ridiculous, as was the way my dh tried to word it, but for me it is a form of control in a life that has felt out of control for a long time.
So I told him how unfair it was tht in the car while n the way to brunch he totally rips me a new one about having to wash his uniform and not having a pair of clean jeans to wear. well i said sorry if i got a haircut yesterday (first time in like a year) and had a headache this am so it wasnt the first thing on my mind. it was f*** there's no coffee!
Well we started to argue and of course he says well then i will just leave and u wont have to worry so in anger i said start the papers and u can leave. eek. that kinda opened the door. i did the usual internal panicking of what if he leaves!! and sorta tried to talk him out of it...but then he swore on our kids that we're done and that he never thought we would last. so maybe this is it?! Ugh i hve so much to say and i dont know how to organize it or get it out....what if this is what should be done. my husband in our almost 9 yrs of marriage has done more to end it than save it. The way he treats my heart and my feelings is like a dog grabbing a toy and shaking it. just destroy destroy destroy. then he says he never thought we would work out. pain...stab me in the heart a little ore why dont u.
I always said i ws going to earn my way out if we split. i heard dr. phil say that. but its hard to do that when u are the only one who wants to work at it and make it priority. he says oh when we are better off financially thats when we can work on us. wow. in the 20 yrs i have known him
. he still hasn't learned jack shit about materialism. i guess the lessons u learn as a kid are really branded on ur brain.
anyway, i finally said do what u want u always do. so in a way maybe I am admitting defeat. lowering the shield and sword and letting him just finish me off in one grand swoosh. if u want to kill it. then do it. i am so spent and tired and resentful and hurt and lonely that i even ask myself why do i want to stay in this? but fear of how this will affect my kids scares the living shit out of me. i have been willing to sacrifice my happiness and my own sense of self for them to have two parents. but i guess in the end ...how smart is that. your own feelings eventually come out, but then again my mom...ok thats another story.
So here I am no job, about to get left again. ugh my life was so not supposed to be this way. but he has been sabotaging it since the beginning nd he always said maybe i am better off alone miserable by myself. i have always been there to try to help, to think I am helping. but i guess u cant help someone who wont help themselves. he feels trapped by ghosts and demons. but he wont purge them. instead i live a symbiotic cold hell next to him. ok Lord, i get it. i cant fix him. i love him painfully so. or maybe i just love who he used to be or who i thought he would be. not the man who lives with me now. my heart used to have some quick recovery, but now it stays small and hurt for much longer. i dont feel like i am healing, just hating for all i have put up with and for his inability to recognize our marriage is dying. so, do i just let go and stop holding on to a self destructive person who doesnt love themselves therefore cant love me? lets see...
pros-my kids have a dad they live with and love, im not a statistic, he makes more money than i do, i love him, when we are good, we are good, hope for change someday.
cons- he is miserable, he hates working all of the time but wont quit, he doesnt make love to me or show me any kind of warmth or intimacy, my kids will be a stat and live in two places, i feel resentful because he lives in his own misery nd wont share with me. i spend alot of time alone and have been for a long time.
so if he is serious...then what? find a job...life is going to be hairy. i feel cried out right now. give e till tonight ill feel shitty again. i wish god could just fix him. i have been praying for that forever, but it just doesnt happen.
sucks to BeMe right now.
Friday, February 26, 2010
my daily back and forth between heart and brain
I feel spent this week. I had to get up early to take my dh to work so it threw off my whole week. This f-in computer is slow and I just hate it. So I do what I dread to do and clean up the crap on it and look in the history. (exhale) found more porn, and I am not even going to say anything about it. I'm just going to make the appt for him and if he goes maybe we can eventually do therapy . if he doesn't. Damn I dont know what I'll do.
Do you end a marriage over this? but if you arent happy, u dont trust him. why stay?
Yes I think I contemplate ending this painful relationship everyday. literally everyday.
he never refers to wanting to see his family, just his kids. he gives his friend his direct line. He never game me that number. I guess i am sooooo tired of feeling like a third class citizen. Even though I though I had come to terms with staying with him and making it work. I feel so torn about how I feel in my heart and how lonely I am with what is right for my kids.
I feel like something has to change soon. at some point I need to feel loved and wanted and appreciated in this marriage. i know he is carrying some major baggage and i guess somehow its selfish for me to say go friggin deal with it so i can see if you really are a different or u are just always going to be this way and I have to decide am i in or out.
hes like what is wrong are u mad at me and i feel like dude...everyday. lol but at the same time i dont want to open up to him. it hurts too much, doesnt get me anywhere, and i still feel insignificant and unloved to him.
I used to feel strong about leaving and now I m bk to that scared feeling. why should my kids suffer for my selfishness of wanting a mate who can love and share with me. their happiness is worth the pain...isnt it. I always thought...no way I could never do what my mom did. but now being married and seeing and feeling how it can wreck your child. I might have done the same. (ps i need to chill with my mom and lower my voice to her) anyway...
i dont know how i will open my heart to let him in a little today. i feel better keeping it closed. i did today. i guess tomorrow is a new day of indecision.
BeMe
Do you end a marriage over this? but if you arent happy, u dont trust him. why stay?
Yes I think I contemplate ending this painful relationship everyday. literally everyday.
he never refers to wanting to see his family, just his kids. he gives his friend his direct line. He never game me that number. I guess i am sooooo tired of feeling like a third class citizen. Even though I though I had come to terms with staying with him and making it work. I feel so torn about how I feel in my heart and how lonely I am with what is right for my kids.
I feel like something has to change soon. at some point I need to feel loved and wanted and appreciated in this marriage. i know he is carrying some major baggage and i guess somehow its selfish for me to say go friggin deal with it so i can see if you really are a different or u are just always going to be this way and I have to decide am i in or out.
hes like what is wrong are u mad at me and i feel like dude...everyday. lol but at the same time i dont want to open up to him. it hurts too much, doesnt get me anywhere, and i still feel insignificant and unloved to him.
I used to feel strong about leaving and now I m bk to that scared feeling. why should my kids suffer for my selfishness of wanting a mate who can love and share with me. their happiness is worth the pain...isnt it. I always thought...no way I could never do what my mom did. but now being married and seeing and feeling how it can wreck your child. I might have done the same. (ps i need to chill with my mom and lower my voice to her) anyway...
i dont know how i will open my heart to let him in a little today. i feel better keeping it closed. i did today. i guess tomorrow is a new day of indecision.
BeMe
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Ash Wednesday...a crummy mass
SO....Lent is my favorite catholic holiday...observance, whatever it is. I enjoy the feeling of starting a new, forgiveness, penance and sacrifice. Its like what I live by!
I go to get ashes...take the kids and it seems like there were a million antsy kids at the mass including my own!
of course I dont feel like i did anything but go through the motions and I ended up sending these guys to bed while I was pissed off because they were awful listeners today. To top it all off I feel the cough coming bk!
I have a headache, dont want to be on the computer and I am debating whether I should workout or read...I think... read... head to sleep early and wake up and try to work out! I tired oof going to bed at two after hearing the animal upstairs have sex and then be awaken by his f-in cell phone.
SEE THIS IS NOT HOLY!! ,MY BACK HURTS AND I DONT FEEL LIKE I STARTED LENT RIGHT. oh well I can try again tomorrow right.
ooosa...ooosa...
BeMe
I go to get ashes...take the kids and it seems like there were a million antsy kids at the mass including my own!
of course I dont feel like i did anything but go through the motions and I ended up sending these guys to bed while I was pissed off because they were awful listeners today. To top it all off I feel the cough coming bk!
I have a headache, dont want to be on the computer and I am debating whether I should workout or read...I think... read... head to sleep early and wake up and try to work out! I tired oof going to bed at two after hearing the animal upstairs have sex and then be awaken by his f-in cell phone.
SEE THIS IS NOT HOLY!! ,MY BACK HURTS AND I DONT FEEL LIKE I STARTED LENT RIGHT. oh well I can try again tomorrow right.
ooosa...ooosa...
BeMe
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Valentine's Day makes you think
Eek, I love and hate v-day. I love it because I remember what they used to be like; full of passion and surprise and puppy dog love. That made me feel so safe back then. I also hate them because I have had some empty ones where I thought, there was no need for him to buy me a card, its a lie anyway. I also love them because vday is fuller for me now, my two children are my biggest presents and they are here all year long! But I also hate vday because u build it up in your mind and still feel a little let down because I wish he showed me more of the love he writes to me about. He self sabotages many of our good times or holidays.
Im just reflecting, as my son's kindergarten teacher says. Hoping that someday I can get to a safe place again blogging about how he shows me that he loves me without words or cards.
Beme.
Im just reflecting, as my son's kindergarten teacher says. Hoping that someday I can get to a safe place again blogging about how he shows me that he loves me without words or cards.
Beme.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Lazy day...just leave me be.
I am getting a cold, taking care of my daughter with bronchitis, got my period, spatting with my husband, and going to eat leftovers.
I am so happy about leftovers today, as my little one asks for dinner. I plan on keeping my activity level tres low today since mommys don't really get taken care of.
actually i think I am going to bed!
I am so happy about leftovers today, as my little one asks for dinner. I plan on keeping my activity level tres low today since mommys don't really get taken care of.
actually i think I am going to bed!
Sunday, January 03, 2010
New Hair Color...eek
I see this hair looking bk at me...bright like the friggin sun. i did myself some highlights. I dont love em. BUT I took a chance at being unsafe and trying something new at the risk of being rejected by those around me. Im proud of me. now I am looking to lose 30 pounds. yeah
thats right 3-0. by like 5 months from now. doable i think...but i feel dumb. i have no idea what to make asa i have never counted cals just points! now i know points is a little easier...but I am trying to move out of my comfort zone. trying something different for different results. lets see what happens. if i feel brave I will post the poundage lost by week.
good luck me~
beMe.
thats right 3-0. by like 5 months from now. doable i think...but i feel dumb. i have no idea what to make asa i have never counted cals just points! now i know points is a little easier...but I am trying to move out of my comfort zone. trying something different for different results. lets see what happens. if i feel brave I will post the poundage lost by week.
good luck me~
beMe.
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