my daily back and forth between heart and brain

I feel spent this week. I had to get up early to take my dh to work so it threw off my whole week.  This f-in computer is slow and I just hate it. So I do what I dread to do and clean up the crap on it and look in the history. (exhale) found more porn, and I am not even going to say anything about it. I'm just going to make the appt for him and if he goes maybe we can eventually do therapy . if he doesn't. Damn I dont know what I'll do.

Do you end a marriage over this? but if you arent happy, u dont trust him. why stay?

Yes I think I contemplate ending this painful relationship everyday. literally everyday.


he never refers to wanting to see his family, just his kids. he gives his friend his direct line. He never game me that number. I guess i am sooooo tired of feeling like a third class citizen.  Even though I though I had come to terms with staying with him and making it work. I feel so torn about how I feel in my heart and how lonely I am with what is right for my kids.

I feel like something has to change soon. at some point I need to feel loved and wanted and appreciated in this marriage. i know he is carrying some major baggage and i guess somehow its selfish for me to say go friggin deal with it so i can see if you really are a different or u are just always going to be this way and I have to decide am i in or out.

hes like what is wrong are u mad at me and i feel like dude...everyday. lol  but at the same time i dont want to open up to him. it hurts too much, doesnt get me anywhere, and i still feel insignificant and unloved to him.

I used to feel strong about leaving and now I m bk to that scared feeling. why should my kids suffer for my selfishness of wanting a mate who can love and share with me. their happiness is worth the pain...isnt it. I always thought...no way I could never do what my mom did. but now being married and seeing and feeling how it can wreck your child. I might have done the same. (ps i need to chill with my mom and lower my voice to her) anyway...

i dont know how i will open my heart to let him in a little today. i feel better keeping it closed. i did today. i guess tomorrow is a new day of indecision.

BeMe