as I checked this blog, I noticed I havent posted to the little journal of mine since last April when shit hit the fan. So much has happened since then and I am and live a new life because of it.
Recently, I have been doing some "body-listening" and I have realized that I am getting bluer as I get older. Life feels good to me right now. no its not ideal, then again, will it ever be ideal, probably not. but i have noticed that the pms that i incessantly talk about has gotten worse and i think i suffer from pmdd. so of course i head to the computer to read about pmdd, and its alot to take in. I see myself in every symptom and that in itself has made me feel even more sad. I am trying the best that I can this week to control any outbursts i feel and to try to tone down the anger that i feel brewing inside. I have given no thought as to what housework gets done and what my husband does or does not do.
i think i have been doing a good job except when hube get ready to leave for work , i feel the dread come over me. why? its not like i dont like hanging with my kids they are the best. but i so dont feel like myself, i feel diinterested in everything, and i feel distracting and teary and lazy and tired and ugly. and most of all i dont want to have my kids see me this way, remember me this way, or feel like i was a crazed mom.
the pmdd information i read states that you should exercise, sleep, take plenty of calcium, watch your diet, reduce the caffeine, and see a qualified dr who can diagnose it. i bought the calcium yesterday and today i had one cup of coffee and drank soda water instead of a cherry coke. i havent gone out to walk, because frankly the thought of going tires me. isnt that sad. and I just figure i will stay busy and unfocused on the blues. hube gets his health insurance around 07/01 so I am hoping that my gyn will take the mood charts that I am filling out seriously and help me. I am dreading going on anti depressives, even though I feel like they maybe part of what they will give me. I really want to do this the natural way. I have lots of light coming through the house, but the pressure of finding work and now my husband wanting to buy a house in a yr has me a little stressed. but i think i am more scared of what i am dealing with and how it afects my kids. right now i feel like a shitty mom who everyone thinks is great, but i know this is the blues talking. my kids are bright happy and beautiful, i must be doing something right.
im going to take some time to also pare down, concentrate on wellness, and hopefully this will filter to my business. i need to make a schedule for when i will job hunt too. maybe i will do that tonight.
ok i think the cry and writing this down has helped me work past this. let me see if i can get some dinner made, and then maybe start this clothes project and read later to unwind. tonight i think i will go to bed early. waiting up for hubert is kinda killing me. anyway I think i may ask someone who has some experience in depression for some advice. for the first time in my life i dont want to do any more therapy. i dont feel like thats it at all. i feel like this is all chemical. maybe later i can do something physical to get the chems flowing too
i may move this journal to evernote since i would be able to access it from my phone. we'll see.
Recently, I have been doing some "body-listening" and I have realized that I am getting bluer as I get older. Life feels good to me right now. no its not ideal, then again, will it ever be ideal, probably not. but i have noticed that the pms that i incessantly talk about has gotten worse and i think i suffer from pmdd. so of course i head to the computer to read about pmdd, and its alot to take in. I see myself in every symptom and that in itself has made me feel even more sad. I am trying the best that I can this week to control any outbursts i feel and to try to tone down the anger that i feel brewing inside. I have given no thought as to what housework gets done and what my husband does or does not do.
i think i have been doing a good job except when hube get ready to leave for work , i feel the dread come over me. why? its not like i dont like hanging with my kids they are the best. but i so dont feel like myself, i feel diinterested in everything, and i feel distracting and teary and lazy and tired and ugly. and most of all i dont want to have my kids see me this way, remember me this way, or feel like i was a crazed mom.
the pmdd information i read states that you should exercise, sleep, take plenty of calcium, watch your diet, reduce the caffeine, and see a qualified dr who can diagnose it. i bought the calcium yesterday and today i had one cup of coffee and drank soda water instead of a cherry coke. i havent gone out to walk, because frankly the thought of going tires me. isnt that sad. and I just figure i will stay busy and unfocused on the blues. hube gets his health insurance around 07/01 so I am hoping that my gyn will take the mood charts that I am filling out seriously and help me. I am dreading going on anti depressives, even though I feel like they maybe part of what they will give me. I really want to do this the natural way. I have lots of light coming through the house, but the pressure of finding work and now my husband wanting to buy a house in a yr has me a little stressed. but i think i am more scared of what i am dealing with and how it afects my kids. right now i feel like a shitty mom who everyone thinks is great, but i know this is the blues talking. my kids are bright happy and beautiful, i must be doing something right.
im going to take some time to also pare down, concentrate on wellness, and hopefully this will filter to my business. i need to make a schedule for when i will job hunt too. maybe i will do that tonight.
ok i think the cry and writing this down has helped me work past this. let me see if i can get some dinner made, and then maybe start this clothes project and read later to unwind. tonight i think i will go to bed early. waiting up for hubert is kinda killing me. anyway I think i may ask someone who has some experience in depression for some advice. for the first time in my life i dont want to do any more therapy. i dont feel like thats it at all. i feel like this is all chemical. maybe later i can do something physical to get the chems flowing too
i may move this journal to evernote since i would be able to access it from my phone. we'll see.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.