Frustrated

Grrrr! I can't believe I haven't been able to get on the computer and I am feeling overwhelmed by how much I need to do at home, how tired I am, and my husband's to do list.  I am trying to prioritize in my head buta t this time of night (9:20 pm) I can not focus.  This is all because I got home late tonight. So I should be able to think (this out of control feeling is because you got home late...) but I can't.  As a matter of fact I could fall asleep right now.

Do I just have a weird OCD thing about control and how the state of my home definitely affects my perception of how in control O am of everything that goes on around me? who knows.

My week of highs, with my kids and lows with my husband's mediocre performance after 6 months of reborn again celibacy, have me feeling all worn out.

ugh.

At least tomorrow is Thursday and the worst day of the week regarding carpooling, wk and soccer practice. But my weekend is already planned. I hope I am not giving anyone anxiety but reading about mine!

later...Beme

What! They Are Sleeping In Their Room!

Yeah, Yeah, I said it too all judgemental when I wsas expecting my first child..."I will never let them sleep in our bed, unless they are sick."  Little did I know how often kids got a cold or how warm, snuggly, and comfy it was to have them sleep with you.  My daughter takes your finger and rubs it until you are both asleep. mmmm,

I digress...sleeping with your children stunts your sex life, makes you dependent on them, and your fear level of them being more than one foot away from you and being taken out of your home escalates dramatically once you let them snooze with you!

Right now I am all alone in my room with this laptop hoping the hubby has some energy for fun once he gets home, BUT being the big buzzkill that he is, he called and said he was exhausted. GRRRR what does it take for a girl to have a little release around here.

Anyway, again I digress. I hope since they are in their room, that I get at least a couple more hours sleep and that I wake up in less pain than usual since they are always trying to kick us out of the bed.

Ok, so now I can play here with my laptop for a little bit until the grouch comes home.

Stay Tuned...do I get some or not?
Beme

Life Is Hectic

I have been in such a tizzy over my husband and his chilly attitude it seems like for weeks.  Then he gets into the car, calls me Bun and talks to me, not at me.  Then I get that warm feeling all over that makes me remember why I loved him to begin with, and how I luuuuvvv to be in his presence. Crazy right?

Kids, now just one child is still sick. I am so sick of this friggin flu and all of this and a couple of radio talk show hosts have convinced me that we are all going to get the swine flu vacc.  This is my reasoning: It is very hard to watch your child be sick and if I can keep them away from physical suffering I am there. Two, I want to stay home and take care of them when they are sick but I cant always because I work, my mom is hitting her sixties and she can't be keeping up with them or getting their bugs all of the time. Her health is important also! and lastly, I hate keeping him home from school and from having fun because of illness.

And finally I have another sinus headache. I am thinking there maybe a medical procedure I need to relieve this. This is f'n ridiculous. I just got off antibiotics like 2 days ago!

Just one day in my life...oh and i got at 6:30 after swooning too long over produce at Fry's. It was dark when I went outside...WHAT???!!!

I Really Had To Go...

I am not one of those people who always needs to go to the bathroom when they are in the car. So when I say I HAVE TO GO. I gotta go.

I made this disclosure to my spouse after being in the car for an hour and having one very large soda. He said I'm running late (to his night job) lets go. Ok, so my request for relief was brutally rebuffed.

Then I started to feel extreme pain and I thought I was going to ram the car into another car because my kidneys as well as my bladder felt as they had reached critical mass.  AND THEN I THOUGHT why couldnt he had just driven so I could have jumped out to a bathroom, or peed in a cup (yes I know ewww, but I was in EXTREME PAIN!)  I was pissed!

This is like a perfect example of why this marriage is a mess and why he is a mess and why I am a mess for choosing to stay in it. I could go on and on but I just dont have the energy right now, I am spent.  That kind of sums up how I feel about my marriage alot of the time...spent with nothing left to give.

more later...

A Day At Home

So somehow I was given the day off as not scheduled. Good things my kids are still sick. But i get overwhelmed with the extra time, access to the computer and no set schedule.

I have made a bizillion phone calls for appts and all of the other things I can never set up. Loaded my google calendar and now I feel lightheaded feeling like I am not giving my kids any attention. Does that feeling ever go away, I feel like I can never be there like I really should be for them. I guess that is the struggle of being a working mom vs. a stay at home.

But the goal is that one day i be working from home...so I can have better balance of these two fiercely competitive worlds!  I am a photographer, working for someone else...but one day it will be for me...one day!

So I accomplished alot, set up 3 dr. appts, carpet cleaning, cleaned up some of my inbox and ate. But I am still in PJ's. Now I am off to do more organizing...I think, if the guilt of having my kids watch another movie lets me do so!

Later!

Ominous

Does one ever stop being suspicious of their mate?

My husband is still not home from his night job. Yes they work late at restaurants...but he hs my car and that means he is mobile, with a little freedom...and he could go for a drink and then tell me afterwards. OK, so its all probably very innocent, but the sneakiness is what has always bothered me.

I take offense to the assumption that somehow you feel smarter than I AND you think I don't know you. Riiiight.

I have a very long and twisted story with this spouse of mine and his inability to be truthful over the years, so even though I feel he is relatively honest right now. I don't think I could ever be so blissfully blind again. He taught me that people are capable of anything.  Even the ones who claim to always have your best interests at heart.

Sad right? Ok that was very debbie-downer, but just a thought.
G'nite and sorry I was late tonight.
Beme

The Power of Jeans

I raced home from work because now both my kids have fevers without any other symptoms, and I wanted to change out of my work clothes before I ran out to get sick day "staples" and kid movies from Blockbuster.  I put on my favorite, which I finally realized today, a grey tshirt and my Ann Taylor Loft jeans. Ok, so they are the only pair of jeans I have that make me feel good, everything else is to tight, long , or highwaisted. Anyhoo, I put on these jeans and I suddenly felt the energy to get some stuff done and I did!

After I got home with kids, groceries, their stuff from their grandparents, I got busy and then at 9:30 pm realized I still had the jeans on! What the...! But I realized having the jeans gave me some oomph.  I have been sick for like 15 days and feeling better is a luxury right now it seems, so the little bit of get up and go I had, which were fueled by my jeans helped me feel indestructible and productive. Now so and tired as I have been.

I thought that was crazy cool, but then I was getting tired of feeling the weight of them on, and I put on my most comfy lounge pant from Nine West from almost 6 yrs ago; that I wore as I started to expand with my son's pregnancy. Yes, I know so wrong that I still wear these...but they have great spandex and held their shape even as I didnt! Whatev I love `em!

So now I am sleepy.
All because of the power of the jean: Kryptonite in a very faded indigo, slub denim, curvy style by Ann Taylor Loft!

Stay Tuned...

First Day of Letting It All Hang Out

So welcome to my life and the first time I put it all out there for people to read.  I figure this experience may give me some insight on MY life as a 35 yr old woman (yes I wrote my age...its a number only!), who struggles with self identity as my life changes from what I expected  it to be, what it was, what it has become and what I want it to evolve to be. (See my past, present, and future there!)

Anyhoo, in a nutshell, I have been on a roller coaster for-like-ever and I don't feel like I was manning the controls.  I would like to get off now please and move over to the damn music express ride that I do like (only ride I would get on at a carnival) and do it my way!

I have always been introspective, is that a word? In fact as a kid when I got upset, I sat in the bathroom and talked to myself as if someone was giving me therapy, so I could clear my head. Little did I know how much talking to therapists I would be doing as I got older and how most of that went over my head.

So now I am off to perform my motherly and wifely duty of cooking for my family. Yes, I am a mom of a 5 yr old boy and a 3 yr old girl and married for-like-ever to my husband. Ok, exageration...its been almost 8 yrs, but we met in high school. So it feels like we've been married the whole time! More on them...and HIM later. (Can you sense I gots lots to say about the man?) But I digress...

I'm outtie. Stay Tuned (that's kinda how I am livin these days.)