Am I feeling Piece of Mind?

So yesterday I noticed that my nails are growing. That may mean nada to regular folk but to me it means I am in control.

I am in control. I got some last night...and climaxed...and feel like we are going to make it, financially and emotionally.

can I exhale? yes...(thats sounds so cliche still) but that is how I am feeling. I feel like I have my house in control and I am liking me.

AND I want to be 30-40 lbs lighter this time next yr.

yeah yeah I know everyone says that.

I am also going to start project 365. for me that means I am going to take a pic everyday and see how that inspires me and keeps my finger on the shutter button.

I still am having a hard time thinking of what I should be doing when I am not cleaning. Pursuing something fun sounds odd. But I will keep trying to get there.

Hopefully with the new year I can add images of my project.

I also want to volunteer. doing what...tba.

I am excited for 2010...the me in me is appearing!

BeME

Yeah I Didn't Feel Bad After I Checked FB.

HOO-HOO. Yes as weird as it may sound whenever I checked my fb page..I felt awkward! like my life was less than others.

BUT...

Today I didnt feel that way!! I can't explain why, maybe its because I am accepting my life, and all of its good and bad.

I know I am a photographer...(k it helps that I saw aomeone else's pics who I thought was good and they're aiiiight. LOL)

I know I'm a mom and wife who is devoted to their life and happiness.

Yet another xmas gift to me....

beme

I think I Got My Xmas Gift.

I complain and think about how life might be better with my dh in it. I think someday I may have a novel about everything he has put me through.

But,

It took another man's "leading" conversation to convince me that my dh will always be my spouse.

I spoke to an old friend from my past and he started to flirt with me which was a little uncomfortable and I literally cut him off and hung up.  But this made me realize that despite EVERYTHING, my heart belongs to my dh. He might be so incredibly imperfect, but he fits me. I cant explain in any more detail except that I know I could never be with anyone else.

I have needed that kind of reassurance...for years.

I feel that now, and somehow someway I will get him to show more and be more loving, but i know I love him and I had lost that.  But I found him and whenever I feel I lost again I think I will remember that panic that came in and brought my love out.

beme.

Life Got Ahead of Me...

I feel like the worst blogger in America.  Life got all hectic and I didnt blog about it! Between dealing with and coming to terms with my father's alchi-ism, my mom's enabling, my frustrating spouse, and the season ending for work...I was busy!  My only light is also hearing how awesome my son is in school and how my daughter and him keep me going everyday!

So today is a new day...hopefully the strt of some consistancy...lets see how it goes..more later!
Beme

Frustrated

Grrrr! I can't believe I haven't been able to get on the computer and I am feeling overwhelmed by how much I need to do at home, how tired I am, and my husband's to do list.  I am trying to prioritize in my head buta t this time of night (9:20 pm) I can not focus.  This is all because I got home late tonight. So I should be able to think (this out of control feeling is because you got home late...) but I can't.  As a matter of fact I could fall asleep right now.

Do I just have a weird OCD thing about control and how the state of my home definitely affects my perception of how in control O am of everything that goes on around me? who knows.

My week of highs, with my kids and lows with my husband's mediocre performance after 6 months of reborn again celibacy, have me feeling all worn out.

ugh.

At least tomorrow is Thursday and the worst day of the week regarding carpooling, wk and soccer practice. But my weekend is already planned. I hope I am not giving anyone anxiety but reading about mine!

later...Beme

What! They Are Sleeping In Their Room!

Yeah, Yeah, I said it too all judgemental when I wsas expecting my first child..."I will never let them sleep in our bed, unless they are sick."  Little did I know how often kids got a cold or how warm, snuggly, and comfy it was to have them sleep with you.  My daughter takes your finger and rubs it until you are both asleep. mmmm,

I digress...sleeping with your children stunts your sex life, makes you dependent on them, and your fear level of them being more than one foot away from you and being taken out of your home escalates dramatically once you let them snooze with you!

Right now I am all alone in my room with this laptop hoping the hubby has some energy for fun once he gets home, BUT being the big buzzkill that he is, he called and said he was exhausted. GRRRR what does it take for a girl to have a little release around here.

Anyway, again I digress. I hope since they are in their room, that I get at least a couple more hours sleep and that I wake up in less pain than usual since they are always trying to kick us out of the bed.

Ok, so now I can play here with my laptop for a little bit until the grouch comes home.

Stay Tuned...do I get some or not?
Beme

Life Is Hectic

I have been in such a tizzy over my husband and his chilly attitude it seems like for weeks.  Then he gets into the car, calls me Bun and talks to me, not at me.  Then I get that warm feeling all over that makes me remember why I loved him to begin with, and how I luuuuvvv to be in his presence. Crazy right?

Kids, now just one child is still sick. I am so sick of this friggin flu and all of this and a couple of radio talk show hosts have convinced me that we are all going to get the swine flu vacc.  This is my reasoning: It is very hard to watch your child be sick and if I can keep them away from physical suffering I am there. Two, I want to stay home and take care of them when they are sick but I cant always because I work, my mom is hitting her sixties and she can't be keeping up with them or getting their bugs all of the time. Her health is important also! and lastly, I hate keeping him home from school and from having fun because of illness.

And finally I have another sinus headache. I am thinking there maybe a medical procedure I need to relieve this. This is f'n ridiculous. I just got off antibiotics like 2 days ago!

Just one day in my life...oh and i got at 6:30 after swooning too long over produce at Fry's. It was dark when I went outside...WHAT???!!!