Valentine's Day makes you think

Eek, I love and hate v-day. I love it because I remember what they used to be like; full of passion and surprise and puppy dog love. That made me feel so safe back then.  I also hate them because I have had some empty ones where I thought, there was no need for him to buy me a card, its a lie anyway. I also love them because vday is fuller for me now, my two children are my biggest presents and they are here all year long!  But I also hate vday because u build it up in your mind and still feel a little let down because I wish he showed me more of the love he writes to me about.  He self sabotages many of our good times or holidays.

Im just reflecting, as my son's kindergarten teacher says. Hoping that someday I can get to a safe place again blogging about how he shows me that he loves me without words or cards.

Beme.

Lazy day...just leave me be.

I am getting a cold, taking care of my daughter with bronchitis, got my period, spatting with my husband, and going to eat leftovers.

I am so happy about leftovers today, as my little one asks for dinner. I plan on keeping my activity level tres low today since mommys don't really get taken care of.

actually i think I am going to bed!

New Hair Color...eek

I see this hair looking bk at me...bright like the friggin sun. i did myself some highlights. I dont love em. BUT I took a chance at being unsafe and trying something new at the risk of being rejected by those around me. Im proud of me. now I am looking to lose 30 pounds. yeah

thats right 3-0. by like 5 months from now. doable i think...but i feel dumb. i have no idea what to make asa i have never counted cals just points! now i know points is a little easier...but I am trying to move out of my comfort zone. trying something different for different results. lets see what happens. if i feel brave I will post the poundage lost by week.

good luck me~
beMe.

Am I feeling Piece of Mind?

So yesterday I noticed that my nails are growing. That may mean nada to regular folk but to me it means I am in control.

I am in control. I got some last night...and climaxed...and feel like we are going to make it, financially and emotionally.

can I exhale? yes...(thats sounds so cliche still) but that is how I am feeling. I feel like I have my house in control and I am liking me.

AND I want to be 30-40 lbs lighter this time next yr.

yeah yeah I know everyone says that.

I am also going to start project 365. for me that means I am going to take a pic everyday and see how that inspires me and keeps my finger on the shutter button.

I still am having a hard time thinking of what I should be doing when I am not cleaning. Pursuing something fun sounds odd. But I will keep trying to get there.

Hopefully with the new year I can add images of my project.

I also want to volunteer. doing what...tba.

I am excited for 2010...the me in me is appearing!

BeME

Yeah I Didn't Feel Bad After I Checked FB.

HOO-HOO. Yes as weird as it may sound whenever I checked my fb page..I felt awkward! like my life was less than others.

BUT...

Today I didnt feel that way!! I can't explain why, maybe its because I am accepting my life, and all of its good and bad.

I know I am a photographer...(k it helps that I saw aomeone else's pics who I thought was good and they're aiiiight. LOL)

I know I'm a mom and wife who is devoted to their life and happiness.

Yet another xmas gift to me....

beme

I think I Got My Xmas Gift.

I complain and think about how life might be better with my dh in it. I think someday I may have a novel about everything he has put me through.

But,

It took another man's "leading" conversation to convince me that my dh will always be my spouse.

I spoke to an old friend from my past and he started to flirt with me which was a little uncomfortable and I literally cut him off and hung up.  But this made me realize that despite EVERYTHING, my heart belongs to my dh. He might be so incredibly imperfect, but he fits me. I cant explain in any more detail except that I know I could never be with anyone else.

I have needed that kind of reassurance...for years.

I feel that now, and somehow someway I will get him to show more and be more loving, but i know I love him and I had lost that.  But I found him and whenever I feel I lost again I think I will remember that panic that came in and brought my love out.

beme.

Life Got Ahead of Me...

I feel like the worst blogger in America.  Life got all hectic and I didnt blog about it! Between dealing with and coming to terms with my father's alchi-ism, my mom's enabling, my frustrating spouse, and the season ending for work...I was busy!  My only light is also hearing how awesome my son is in school and how my daughter and him keep me going everyday!

So today is a new day...hopefully the strt of some consistancy...lets see how it goes..more later!
Beme